Sally's worries are typical. She dated, got
married, and remained in an exclusive relationship with the same
partner for many years. Today, suddenly without her husband, in
her forties or fifties, she would like a man in her life. At least
occasionally! Or perhaps even for a lasting partnership! "But it's
been decades since I've dated," she laments, "and I don't know what's
expected, like who makes the plans, who pays for dinner, and what
about sex? I don't know enough about sexually transmitted infections,
but I'm excited and scared... back in the seventies, all we worried
about was birth control; now it seems much more complicated."
Regrettably, too many women like Sally will either
miss the type of social life with partnered sexual pleasures they
might otherwise enjoy, or will begin dating men in a way that does
not take sufficient care of their hearts or their health.
We are often concerned about young women. We try
to teach them to look after themselves, to be self-respectful, and
to enjoy their sexuality sensibly. Less attention is paid to the
problems encountered by women who are less young, and who are re-entering
the dating world. Yet this world has changed dramatically even in
the past decade, and many of us, who are somewhere beyond our mid-thirties,
are understandably reluctant to admit we may know less than teenagers,
and that we may be more than a little anxious about meeting new
acquaintances who are potential sexual partners.
We will leave aside debates over the etiquette
of who picks up the check, or who telephones whom and when. Rather,
we will offer you a protocol for the erotic aspects of mid-life
dating. This will be slanted toward the heterosexual context, but
most of our suggestions are applicable to women interested in dating
women (and, of course, men can always benefit from learning these
ideas). Here are five principles:
-
Know what you want (preferably ahead of time).
Do you want casual fun, to be "just friends," or a deeper emotional
engagement? Do you want to be physically close without genital
sex, or do you want the exchange of genital pleasures? Are you
open to cuddling, to sexual play without genital engagement,
or to some form of full genital intercourse? It's okay for what
you want to change and evolve, but try to know it, in the here-and-now,
so that you can be forthright with the individuals you're interested
in. This avoids either subsequent remorse or unnecessary disappointment
over unfulfilled expectations.
-
Express your wishes freely and clearly (and
invite the man you're interested in to do the same). By and
large, men appreciate knowing "where they stand," even when
they wish it were somewhere else. The man you're interested
in may want something more, less, or just different, than you
do. But that is okay, and it's better for both of you to know
what hopes and expectations you do and do not share.
-
Take pride in your sexuality. It is your blessing
to have a sensual and erotic nature, for yourself and to share
with a partner when it pleases you to do so. So ask for what
you want, and try never to be coerced or pressured into doing
anything you do not want.
It is always okay to say "No" (but always nicer
to say it in an upbeat manner, such as "You are very attractive
but I'm not into this"). It is also okay to decline one erotic
activity to offer another one more pleasing to you ("I'm not ready
for intercourse, but I would like to give you an erotic massage").
And it is always okay to say "Yes" provided you are safe and in
a position to make good decisions.
You never need be ashamed of having sexual interests
and wishes, or of letting them be known. Sure, there are still
some men who may think badly of you for acknowledging your eroticism,
but that is their problem.
-
Take careful responsibility for your own pleasures
and your own safety. Men come in all shapes and sizes. Some
are cute, some are not. Some are kind, some are not. Some are
bright, some are not. But sadly, they all have one thing in
common: they cannot be relied on to take care of you as well
as you would like them to! This is especially true when it comes
to sexual activity.
So, if you are going to be sexual, educate
and prepare yourself for safer sex
practice: latex condoms or the "female condom" and lubricant
with Nonoxynol. Do not be afraid to purchase
and carry condoms routinely,
and insist on using them with
any and every sex act that could potentially pass a man's ejaculate
or pre-ejaculate into your body.
Unfortunately, there are many men (and women)
who still grumble or make excuses about condom use and other
aspects of safer sex practices. You may sympathize with them,
but you must not go along with their request to have intercourse
unsafely. Some will tell you that HIV/AIDS is not found in your
class, race, or age group: this is not true. Some will tell
you they've previously dated only "clean" women: this is ridiculous.
Some will tell you that you're not at risk: but you are. The
rate of HIV is increasing fastest among women who identify themselves
as heterosexual. And in any act of genital intercourse, infection
from the man to the woman is twice as frequent as infection
from the woman to the man.
-
Keep your sexual life away from your children.
While there is no shame in your eroticism and while you may
acknowledge it freely, it is unwise to expose children to your
sexual activities. Divorce or loss of fathering is profoundly
difficult for children. While your youngsters may eventually
accept and welcome a new adult man into their lives, it is disturbingly
confusing for them to meet a succession of men you date. More
importantly, children should not be exposed to the sexual activity
of adults. If you want an overnight with your date, plan it
when the children are away. Otherwise, locate your erotic activities
elsewhere.
Human beings are meant to get the most out of
their lives and if re-entering the dating scene is something you
would like to try: Go For It! But always remember that the
person who loves you the most needs to be yourself, and always enjoy
your sexuality safely.
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